What I am

Dear Someone,

I don’t know who you are or if you’re even here but
I don’t know who I am either so I think that must be okay.

Did you know the portals in the wall aren’t real? I did but I didn’t and he told me and I tried to believe but they are still there sometimes and I’m still sinking through floorboards sometimes and trying to fly (why won’t it work?) and it gets a bit scary and I get upset and he gets annoyed and I say sorry and I hate myself more.

I am eighteen.

Teenage angst? Maybe.

Yours faithfully,

T.S Walker

unwell

Dear Someone,

It’s hot tonight and my headache is strong.
I’m tired but I’m not sleepy
and sometimes I wish,
I really wish,
that I could just fall asleep
and never wake up
.

A lot of people have said that to you, havn’t they?
I’ve told you many times.
I’ve told you a lot about who I am
What I am
Who and what I should be
could be
would be if I could

and I don’t understand why you don’t reply.
Maybe because I have not got your address
and you don’t know who I am
but surely you,
someone,
surely you would reply?

But no.
You don’t.
and I’m beginning to care less
about you
and me
and everything and everyone I’ve ever believed in.

All I have now
is a box of everything I need to die
and everything I need to stop.

All I have now
is a butterfly,
a spider
and I life I’m losing hope for.

Faithfully,

T.S Walker

regret is eating my wrists

Dear Someone,

I can feel the spider tonight
crawling in my mind
Spinning webs-
the lies! The lies!

My burning throat is proof of you
and so is my skin
the scars- so many
like shoelaces but no aglet

And I,
standing with the air
like a sculpture
badly painted
badly made
can’t breathe without regret
chewing on my wrists
and on my thighs

Too much damage has been made
and I cannot be pieced together
once more.

Faithfully,
T.S Walker

The Road Not Taken

I took the road less travelled by
and it has made all the difference

- a slightly altered version of the last two lines from
The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

This is the line that stops me saying “I regret everything”.

All I have now

Dear Someone,

It’s hot tonight and my headache is strong.
I’m tired but I’m not sleepy
and sometimes I wish,
I really wish,
that I could just fall asleep
and never wake up
.

A lot of people have said that to you, havn’t they?
I’ve told you many times.
I’ve told you a lot about who I am
What I am
Who and what I should be
could be
would be if I could

and I don’t understand why you don’t reply.
Maybe because I have not got your address
and you don’t know who I am
but surely you,
someone,
surely you would reply?

But no.
You don’t.
and I’m beginning to care less
about you
and me
and everything and everyone I’ve ever believed in.

All I have now
is a box of everything I need to die
and everything I need to stop.

All I have now
is a butterfly,
a spider
and I life I’m losing hope for.

Faithfully,

T.S Walker

incompetant brain transmiters.

Dear Someone,

I’ve written a lot of things in my time but where has that gotten me?
I’m still 10 kilograms heavier than I want to be (twenty if I go back to the original goal),
I still haven’t found out who I am
and I am still just one insult away from death.

Life would be easy for me without incompetent brain transmitters and chemicals who don’t know how important their jobs are.

–

Beauty is certainly important on the inside and the outside. I’ve been trying to get the inside good for a while and the outside has been on the back-burner. I’ve decided to work on the outside now, though because inside beauty just isn’t working.

–

It’s been so long, too long since thoughts became an issue
and

“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”-

Well, okay.

Faithfully,

T.S Walker

I write poetry

Dear Someone

Something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong.

–

I’m writing a book, you know. I have many ideas but this is my favourite and the most probable. It is poetry, someone. The poetry I have written; the best of. Why am I telling you this? Nobody cares.

I’m going to have a smoke and try not to fall asleep forever.

Without faith

T.S Walker

Those who doubted.

Dear Someone,

I’m scared.

Why am I here and what am I doing?

I’m going to be rich and I’m going to be famous one day and I’m going to show everyone who doubted me that I am worth believing in.

Sometimes I love you, Someone.

Yours Faithfully,

T.S Walker